Miscarriage & Our Relationship. Mr. "Fixit can't fix this"

I am going to be brutally honest here; the two miscarriages we suffered through were hell and I personally felt zero attachment to either of them, I was not heart broken or upset. All I wanted to do was fixit, fix my wife, fix the emotion and the anger and let me tell you, I found out quickly from the first miscarriage Mr. Fixit can’t fix this.

I’m no carpenter or mechanic, I’m definitely not an electrician or a plumber and yet I wear all of those hats when needed. The first miscarriage found me wearing the Mr. Fixit hat once again. Stacy was a wreck after the miscarriage, angry, heartbroken, feeling guilty; my wife was emotionally and mentally drained, me being me I set out to fix the problem.

It was so difficult seeing her in her bed curled up in the fetal position for days; she was weak from the D and C surgery, pale and weeping. I would console Stacy the best I could but it came to a point where “I” felt that it would be better for her to get back on the horse per say. You know it’s time to stop sulking, it’s over, let’s start trying again. Now I know all of you ladies are shaking your fist at me and I don’t blame you; however I had no other way to fix the situation other than unknowingly make it worse. Stacy would tell me how she was feeling and I would tell her that she needed to get over it. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that she had an attachment to a heartbeat.

I would get so angry when she wanted to talk about the miscarriage; she was alone and had nobody else to talk to about it. All I wanted to do was FIXIT. All I need to do is get her pregnant again and this would all go away.  We fought and argued for weeks about how she was feeling emotionally; I don’t do well with emotional. (How do you fix emotional?) This put a considerable amount of strain on our relationship; She felt I was uncaring, disrespectful to her feelings and inconsiderate to the situation. (Ladies feeling are not tangible to us, we have no way of processing this into something fixable, it drives us NUTS) I would try my best to avoid any conversation about it; I would even go as far as shutting her down when she brought it up. I couldn’t feel any more helpless, all I wanted to do is help my wife feel better, get better and get pregnant again. (I’m at least a professional at the last part) We managed to get over this relationship set back and got pregnant a second time, and yet a second time we would lose the baby.

You would think I learned my lesson from the previous miscarriage… Nope not a chance! Even on the way to the E.D. she knew it was over and I was saying you don’t know yet and if it is we can try again. Trust me ladies I’m beating myself up over that one. It was so bad that Stacy wouldn’t allow me to go to her doctor’s appointment to confirm and schedule the surgery for yet another D and C. She was concerned that I would not be considerate to her feelings. I was off to a tremendous start with something I knew I could not fix, and yet here I was trying to fix it.  I told Stacy right off the bat when she got home from surgery I was going to do my own thing and not in so many words told her she was on her own. I couldn’t deal with the fact I couldn’t fix the situation; I was not getting the husband of the year award this year.

During one of our last arguments yelling back and forth we were actually communicating with each other; we were getting to the root of some issues. Amazing what any form of communication will do for a relationship. I told Stacy all I want to do is fix everything, Stacy expressed to me there is nothing to fix she just needs to grieve and talk about her emotions. We came to an amazing realism that evening; we just needed to tell each other what we needed. Simple right? Actually it is.

 My poor grieving wife needed someone (me) to listen, to hold her and tell her that everything she was feeling was normal. Me… well I needed her to tell me all that so I would stop trying to fix it. From then on she would come to me and tell me her needs; she still does, we still do. Communication and honesty in our relationship especially going through something as traumatic as a miscarriage is so important. Marriages are actually 40% more likely to fail due to miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss.

I cannot stress enough to everyone just communicate your needs. None of us are mind readers, even though I tell Stacy all the time I can read her mind. (I can, trust me.) Wives be honest with your husbands, husbands be honest with your wives. Sometimes we don’t want to hear the honest part of communication; however it could save your relationship. Be honest sooner than later, don’t wait; it will just build up and you will explode and that doesn’t help either. Be honest about EVERYTHING that is big and everything may be fixable. Don't be honest about EVERYTHING that is little though; like how our wives put the toilet paper on wrong; (you do)  wives I know you cant stand how we eat sometimes, or how we leave stuff all over the house. (we put that there so we can find it, then you move it, and its lost for ever) This is not honesty for the penny ante BS that should have been hashed out before marriage. Be there for each other, love on each other; you both grieve differently and that's okay, just be honest in how your grieving. There is help for both of you and we highly recommend in the Rochester area www.face2facerochester.com find a group in your area and know you are not alone in how you are feeling.