We are launching a book project to break the silence and offer support to grieving mothers around the country. M6 Photography our company; will be traveling around upstate New York getting stories told by the mothers who have lost their children due to miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. We will put a face to the most intimate, heartfelt and emotional stories of hope, love and loss; stories like mine and maybe yours. We don’t want another woman to leave her doctor’s office without any place to turn or any information to help. We want this book to be given to women who are leaving the doctor’s office with babies in heaven and not their arms. We want this book to be there to show others they are not alone. I personally don’t want other women to go through the loss and emotional emptiness I had alone ever again. Consider partnering with us to accomplish something amazing.
My story starts out much the same as yours; that moment you have been waiting for, that moment filled with anxiety, anticipation, fear and joy, that moment when you see the blue line! It took six months for us to conceive after an 11 year break. I was so overjoyed about having another baby I was ready; however nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. I started spotting; I was concerned but not frantic so I drove to the ED myself. Right from the start I was treated like a number, the doctors the nurses; they all showed no compassion for my situation. The doctor who reviewed the ultra sound showed no concern and tried to convince me that my dating was wrong, he felt the baby was not showing to be as big as it should have been so no cause for concern and follow up with my PCP. It was in this moment that I knew something was wrong, there is NO way I miscalculated my dates. With multiple calls into my PCP and once again no concern or compassion on their end, I drove 40 minutes north to the hospital where my daughter was born 11 years earlier. I was welcomed I was cared for and felt like I was listened to. Blood work was immediately ordered to check ECG levels, ultra sound was done but nothing conclusive came up now I waited. The doctors called ECG levels were elevated but we needed to check in two days to see a difference. I had hope, I was a wreck but I had hope; although I knew deep down inside I had miscarried. I waited, I wept, and I was numb. The second set confirmed ECG was dropping but dropping ever so slightly so slightly that even the doctor wouldn’t confirm for me it was over. I went for another ultra sound so that I could see for myself that there was no heartbeat. I sat there staring at the screen, trying to hold back the tears and praying, screaming inside just beat, just beat, pleaseeee beat…... I felt so alone, I could see the look on the face of the tech I knew it was over. Six weeks along and it was over. This was my first but not my last miscarriage. After the D&C I left the hospital feeling an emptiness, I had a void that I had never felt before. I was so angry, I was angry at myself for letting this happen. No one prepared me for the depression I would soon get into, I never left my room let alone the house for weeks. No one told me that this feeling I had would never ever go away.
It was a difficult few months but I coped with the loss and we started trying again and alas conceived. But it was different this time, I was numb I wasn’t joyful and I was scared; what if…what if this happens again. Even with everything feeling normal I wouldn’t allow myself the opportunity to enjoy this wonderful gift inside me. I continued to make the 40 minute drive north to see my old OB, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I was reassured every pregnancy is different and they ran every test imaginable and scheduled ultra sounds early for me to be reassured. The baby was doing fantastic and we heard a strong heartbeat at 11 weeks. I started to become joyful and we joked that this was another boy. We made it further than the last pregnancy and I could feel myself letting go a little, I even called this little one Eli. It wasn’t much but a week after we heard the heart beat that I stared to bleed late at night in my bed. I cried out no not again; my husband and I quickly drove to the ED 40 minutes away, the longest 40 minute drive of my life. I knew it was over again. My poor husband tried to reassure me that we didn’t know you yet, but I knew and it didn’t matter. I laid on the hospital bed numb, cold and crying again. What did I do wrong this time kept go over and over in my mind. I just wanted this to be over. They wheeled me down to ultra sound and as soon as the image came on the screen I said out loud it’s over I could see right away there was no heartbeat. My husband tried to comfort me but the anger and resentment just flooded my body. My ED nurse at least had a heart and even cried with me. Again I left the hospital with nowhere to turn, and no one who understood what I was going through. I was left now with two angel babies less than a year apart. They went into heaven and not my arms, it just wasn’t fair. Today I feel so blessed that I am 34 weeks pregnant with Izabella Joy! Even to this day, over one year later it doesn't change the pain in my heart for the two that we lost. You would think she would be filling that that void and replacing those babies but my heart still hurts. If you have an angel baby or you know someone that does and you would like your story to be told please fill out the form. Please share this with as many people as possible. We are working on funding for the project; however it may not come through, if it doesn’t participants will have to pay $250 at the time of the photo shoot. The cost covers a book donation, a monetary donation and credit towards printing photos for personal use. A Go fund me account has been set up as well please consider donating any amount. http://www.gofundme.com/ItsYourStory